Monday, October 17, 2011

A Year of Gratitude - Day One Hundred Twenty-six

Day 126 - Loneliness
I received a call from a friend today who told me his relationship of a decade and half is over.  It didn’t come as a total surprise - he had spoken of the difficulties some time ago.  But it is never easy.  He is handling it with incredible grace and maturity.  I know he will be all right.  In time.
I corresponded throughout the day with a friend who lives in Canada.  He, too, came out of a long-term relationship recently, and is now living on his own.  I can empathize with him as he invites several friends to go for drinks, and only one person can make it.  He got through (Canadian) Thanksgiving dinner that included his ex.  He is now thinking about what Christmas and New Year’s Eve will entail.
I am feeling like I want a boyfriend again.  It has been about a year and a half since my last relationship ended, and it was ugly enough that I have been afraid to get involved again.  I see photos of couples and wish I were one of them.  I have gone on a few dates over the past year - some of them quite good - but they haven’t led to anything deep or lasting.  I see people I am very attracted to, but my employment status, lack of finances, age, and living arrangements all seem to keep me out of the right loops.  And I know it is mostly in my head.
I know I shouldn’t concentrate on “lack” - abundance is all around me, and I need to remember that, and focus my attention on what feels good.  Isn’t that what this blog is about?  All the things I can be grateful for?  So why is it that today, amid all the wonderful things that remind me of how lucky I am, I feel lonely and a little hopeless?
Then I remember something I learned years ago: loneliness is a reminder that I am still capable of love.  This “funk” I am in now is temporary.  It is OK.  I need to allow myself to feel what I’m feeling, and then move on.  Then, I will think about what I want my life to look like; the life that will make me feel good, whole, happy.  I understand that I must create the vision if I am to create the reality.  
The loneliness is a reminder that I am capable of love.  For that I am grateful.

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