Wednesday, January 11, 2012

A Year of Gratitude - Day Two Hundred Nine

Day 209 - Numbness
Perhaps it goes without saying, but the advantage of feeling numb is that you don’t feel pain.  There are times when a certain degree of pain can be a good thing - like when I’m sore a day or two after a workout, and I know my body is working the way it is supposed to.  But when the pain is too great, numbness becomes the survival tool.
I spent the day feeling numb.  It wasn’t a physical pain, though there was a physical aspect to it; my discomfort, of course, came from yesterday’s news that my hopes for a job in early 2012 had evaporated.  I had all my mental justifications at the ready, and the platitudes from well-intended friends trickled in; I could talk my way through all the questions that flooded my conscious mind.  Still, I was bereft when the fantasy of once again having my own home - my own life - dissolved like a teaspoon of sugar in a gallon of boiling water.  The numbness that defined my day was the only way I could cope.
I completely understand why some people give up looking for work.  To be honest, it is tempting, though I can’t imagine how I would avoid ending up in a homeless shelter.  Maybe I can’t.  
I’m glad I’m numb.  At the moment, I can’t cope with reality anyway.

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