Day 208 - Love
If not for love, I would not have survived the day.
I still hadn’t heard from the hotel in Bellevue, so I called my friend. “Oh, I was going to call you today.” ...I knew how the rest of the conversation would go before he uttered another word. To make a long story short, the hotel management decided I was asking for too much money; they went with the other candidate because she doesn’t need a living wage. It doesn’t matter that I was the better fit for their business needs; budget trumps skills and priorities, so there you have it. He offered to be a reference, though I don’t know how much that could help under the circumstances.
I was devastated. I have no other job leads; no other connections. I have no hope left. Instead, I have more of the same - another 2011 at this rate - which is something I simply cannot face.
I took my things to Mom’s, leaving Denny with clean sheets, towels, and dishes, and a note to express my gratitude for allowing me to pretend I was on my own again. It was a nice break, and the cats were good.
I went to the glass studio to pick up the pieces I made yesterday and put into the kiln to anneal. Since I didn’t start to cry when I told Judy the news, I decided I could manage to sit at the torch for awhile. I was glad that she didn’t belabor it. I made a few more twisties (shorter this time - I think shorter pieces will look better from the lowest points of the chandelier), and the activity kept my mind off of my present despair.
I cried all the way back to Mom’s. I wondered if other drivers were watching me, but I couldn’t stop the flood. I just let it go. No one really cares anyway, so it wouldn’t matter.
Mom is a gem. I had informed her via text message of the bad news, and when I arrived, she left me alone. I simply couldn’t bear to talk about it, and she didn’t press. I spent the rest of the day in my room - her office - and quietly grieved the loss of my future.
Ignacio sent me supportive text messages, too. He asked me if I wanted to chat on Skype, and I told him yes, when I didn’t feel so much like crying. The poor man - he wanted to help, but it’s difficult when you’re 200 miles away.
Dinner was fabulous. Mom made turkey thighs and vegetables in the slow cooker, and roasted some broccoli. I had thought it might be nice to simply starve myself to death, but when faced with food this good, I ate more than I expected. One cannot go on a hunger strike with food like this.
Ignacio and I chatted on Skype later in the evening, and he offered what support he could. He is in the unenviable position of having been through much of what I am now experiencing, so he understands on a different level. He understands how platitudes do not help. He understands the despair. Though there are differences in the living situations, he gets it, and I was grateful for his kindness.
It is tough to realize you’re an anachronism. I’m a real life, modern day Willie Loman. Dreams are wonderful until you wake up.
I didn’t think I could find anything to be grateful for today. But there is one thing.
If it weren’t for the love I receive from Mom and Ignacio, I would not have survived the day.