Day 71 - Knowing Myself
I went to an ice cream social today, and met a whole bunch of really nice people. I went with a friend who introduced me, and I felt welcomed enough to know that if I go again by myself, I’ll be fully included. What a joy that is.
I had a conversation about following my intuition; I have found that when my “inside voice” tells me something isn’t right, and I try to make it work anyway, it never does. (I often wish it would tell me when something was right....) I am learning to listen, and to honor what I feel.
The family dynamics that have caused me quite a bit of angst in the past have settled down a lot (with only a momentary flare-up, which didn’t last long). I have been able to express my feelings openly, honestly, and respectfully, without engaging in dysfunctional arguments. I honor my feelings, protect them when I have to, and respect myself well enough to put some distance between me and the drama.
I have gone out with a few people lately, all with an eye toward dating again. I have felt a certain willingness to put myself out there - after all, it has been over a year since my last relationship went south (as in “crashing into Antarctica”), and I am comfortable with who I am these days. I like me.
So far, none of the people I’ve gone out with are the right “fit.” One is in the process of divorce - never a good place for dating; two of them talk over me constantly, never allowing me to finish a sentence, much less a thought. One lives out of state and only visits occasionally (though I suppose if he lived in the area, that might have some potential). The others... well, we never made it to a second date.
As I ponder the various thoughts that come from these experiences, I come back to the idea that maybe I’m not ready for a relationship. Not yet. I like the idea of “dating myself” - doing things that make me happy, and not having to share the experience to get everything out of it that it can offer me. I know myself well. I am happy just being me, and I deserve to be happy.