Day 246 - Letting Go of the Fantasies
I gave my lawn mower to Goodwill today.
I haven’t had a lawn of my own to mow in years. I used it a couple times at my brother’s when his mower was out of commission, but being an electric mower, it wasn’t quite as easy to use given the length of cord necessary to reach the distant corners of the yard (nor could it cut the lawn as well when the grass was allowed to grow too high).
I didn’t want to get rid of it for a couple of reasons: 1.) if I owned one, I wouldn’t have to buy a new one when I finally had a yard to care for again; 2.) it was a really good quality mower I had bought from my friends Mark & Marc when they moved to the mid-west, and I doubt I’ll be able to afford to replace it with a similar quality machine.
After moving it from place to place - finally to my storage unit last year when my brother and sister-in-law explained in uncomfortable detail how they could no longer accommodate me - and having it take up space among the furniture and boxes, I realized recently that it is unlikely that I will ever have a yard again. Keeping the mower makes no sense whatsoever. It dawned on me that the Goodwill Donation Center is two blocks away from the storage business.
I was surprised most by the feeling of freedom and empowerment I felt as I left the mower with the Goodwill employee. I felt 40 pounds lighter. I was happy that it was so easy. I realize that, as I continue to give away my belongings and get to those things that have specific meaning to me - sentimental value - it will become more difficult. But as my friend Joel helped me understand, it is easier to give my things away than have them taken from me and auctioned off. It is better to give than fall into receivership.
I have always been a dreamer - a romantic in every sense of the word. There have been moments when I have been told how talented I am, and been given all sorts of praise, and it has assisted me in continuing to live in a fantasy world. The fantasy has ended and I’m finally seeing the world as it really is. I realize that my dreams were unrealistic and, in the end, meaningless; my choices have all been well-intended but fatally flawed. I’m grateful to be young enough to let go of the fantasies while I still have the physical and mental capacities to make changes. I can’t imagine what state I would be in if this were to happen 30 years from now.
So today it was a lawn mower. Tomorrow, I’ll take a few more things over that I can carry. I have until June, and then everything I have left has to fit into my car. Now THAT’s going to be a challenge....