A Year of Gratitude - Day Two Hundred Forty-five

Day 245 - Transience 

I’ve already written about being numb, and today was one of those days.  

I am grateful today that these feelings of despair are transient in nature, and at least I can graduate to numbness.

People talk about the long term unemployed “giving up” looking for work.  Those who describe it thus have no idea what they are talking about.

It isn’t a matter of “giving up” as much as losing hope.  When there is no hope of being hired for anything - even at a grocery store - there is little one can do to change it.  Sure, you can talk a good story about “allowing” good things into your life (which I continually try to do) and to redirect your thoughts to things more positive.  "It's all about attitude!"  

Really?

It is rather like working out: I may have developed my musculature as far as my genetics will allow, and to continue working out is simply a habit; it does not get me any closer to my goal because there are forces outside my control that make my goal unrealistic.  The difference, though, is that you don't necessarily judge me poorly because I don't bulk up.  My appearance at the gym allows you the comfort of giving me the benefit of the doubt.

This blog entry is not about those who face adversity with a new idea.  Thank heavens for people who can do that.  I’m not talking about the dreamers who, in spite of their hardships, can continue to dream.  I’m talking about the dreamers, the visionaries, and the regular guys, who continue to try and eventually, through years of effort and toil, reach a point where their dreams die a natural death but do not take their host with them.

When someone who has actively pursued employment every day for multiple years “gives up,” it is less likely because he is lazy or lacks initiative, or is supporting an addiction.  He is not “wallowing in self pity,” as some will accuse.  It is more likely that he has no place in our society.  American men, in particular, feel this most acutely.  The disillusionment that comes from finding out after the fact that your skills and abilities are no longer valued by society at large brings with it a feeling of defeat so overwhelming it is impossible to verbalize.  Unless you've been there, you don't know what it is like.

When you see the filthy old man on the street corner or at the end of the freeway exit with his cardboard sign and sad face, please consider giving to him; suspend your many judgments about how he might spend your dollar.  Why would you care how he spends it, except that perhaps he might someday feel better about himself, his life, his world.  Why should you care at all, when you have so many other dollars in your purse or bank account?  Is his smile not enough for you to give to him?  For once, give because he is human.  Show a little mercy.  

After all, it might be me.

A Year of Gratitude - Day Two Hundred Forty-four

Day 244 - Turnouts

I am so glad I didn’t have to meet with anyone today.  It was my worst day emotionally since I was laid off three years ago.  I was totally useless.

I finally got in the car and drove around just to be doing something other than sitting at my computer pathetically looking at familiar websites looking for hope - and finding none.  I happened upon a road with turnouts for those wanting a view of the city (or, more accurately, of the freeway) through the overgrown trees, and of Mt. Hood in the distance, at least on a clear day (which wasn’t today).  I finally had some privacy, as I sat there and cried.

None of the passersby noticed, and I’m grateful for that.

A Year of Gratitude - Day Two Hundred Forty-three

Day 243 - Somewhere to Rest

The days are getting progressively worse.  I suppose today started OK - I got the oil changed without too much trouble; it took a little longer than I had expected, but the bill was a few dollars less than I expected - I’d say a good trade off.  

Then it was time to go to the Job Finders Support Group.  I was questioning whether to go, since my mood was quite dark.  I don’t think it’s a good idea to take your anger and/or depression into a group setting (especially when all of the other participants are dealing with their own stuff), and I was definitely feeling off.  

I decided to go anyway, and would mail a Thank You note to a colleague who gave me 90 minutes of her time and a free lunch.  When I pulled into the post office lot, I realized I had left the note at home.  My choices were to go ahead and go to the meeting, mailing the note later (probably being postmarked tomorrow), or go back to get the note, mail it, and be late to the meeting.  I decided to mail the note and skip the meeting.  My mood was shot.

I passed a little time, and then decided to go to Aquila - maybe I could accomplish something there.  I was there about 20 minutes, unable to concentrate.  I came back home.

I then slept for two hours.  It’s amazing how tired I can get when I do absolutely nothing.

The best I can come up with to be grateful for today is someplace to rest.  I had the daybed on which to sleep.  It’s something.

A Year of Gratitude - Day Two Hundred Forty-two

Day 242 - Shot In the Arm

Today wasn’t bad.  I gave another pro-bono coaching session (at a Starbucks), which went well enough that he implemented my suggestions before the end of the day - that felt pretty good.  I also had dinner with a dear friend and colleague.  

Joel is a great businessman and friend.  One of his goals in any interaction is to leave the other person better than when they started.  This was certainly the case tonight.  I felt just a little less insane, a little more grounded.  It was the “shot in the arm” I needed to get me through one more day.  And he introduced me to a fantastic, inexpensive vegan restaurant not far from home (no, I’m not vegan, but this food was wonderful!).  Would that more people were like this....

Thanks, Joel.

A Year of Gratitude - Day Two Hundred Forty-one

Day 241 - Coffee Shops

In reading a brief history of (primarily) US coffee shops, I’m interested to see how they have adapted over time.  I won’t bore you with what I’ve read about them, but Starbucks is generally credited with accelerating their resurgent popularity by offering more than just coffee and some snacks; they made it an experience that resonated with a modern audience.  You can love them or hate them - it’s easy to find lots of people on both sides - but they do more than provide a strong cup o’ Joe.  They offer a place to connect.

I had a couple of good one-on-one networking meetings today, the second one at a Starbucks in SE Portland.  While the location wasn’t important, the meeting was.  I had a nice conversation with a colleague I met recently who offered some names of people I could contact with a view toward perhaps finding work.  Although the tunnel in which this new light came on is long and arduous, at least the light was lit.  One can only hope it’s the right kind of light.

Since I don’t have an office to use as home base, coffee shops have become my office.  I wish I didn’t have to spend so much money on gasoline, but at least I can meet people somewhere other than a park bench or mall food court.  Yes, Starbucks (and most other coffee shops) are always loud and most of the seats are hardwood and uncomfortable after about 20 minutes, but it’s a pleasant and familiar environment.  It is great neutral territory for the transient business person.  

To all the owners of coffee shops - chains and independents - thank you for offering me some office space.

A Year of Gratitude - Day Two Hundred Forty

Day 240 - Cancellations

I had only one meeting scheduled for today, which the other person canceled.  I’m glad.  There are times when I can’t keep the mask of happiness on, and today was one of those days.  I did some glass work at the torch - this has been my therapy lately - and didn’t have much to look at on the job boards.  It was a quiet day.

Sometimes I think I’m losing my sanity, so days like today are welcome relief.

A Year of Gratitude - Day Two Hundred Thirty-nine

Day 239 - Time Alone

Today was not a good day.  And everything that was going to happen did so before 11:30 AM.  Not a good day at all.

My interview at the Seattle hotel did not happen the way it was supposed to; I was casually blown off, and I felt disrespected.  The GM wouldn't be there at all, and the VP of Operations wanted me to drive the 45 minutes to meet him at his office in Bellevue instead.  In the end, it became very clear they had me drive up from Portland (at my expense) for a courtesy interview.  They had no intention of taking me seriously.  

Then, as I got on the road back to Portland, I had a phone conversation with a recruiter that did not go well.  It appears the recruiter is not very good at what she does, and I'm the one who paid the price.

Then I got a text message from my son.  

It is his 24th birthday, and I tried calling him before I left for Bellevue to wish him well.  He didn’t answer, so I left a message. When he didn't call me back, I sent a text message to follow up.  It was his response to my text that I received as I was southbound on Interstate 5 approaching downtown Tacoma.  

He thanked me for the birthday wishes.  I asked him if he had received my voicemail message.  “I saw it, but I haven’t listened to it.”  I haven't heard back from him since.

I give up.

So what am I grateful for today?  When I got home in the late afternoon, I went to “my room” (which is Mom’s office), and shut the door.  I couldn’t bear to deal with anyone - I was as much as I could handle.  

I am grateful for my time alone.