Day 365 – The Last Day
Today is the last day of being 49 years old – the last day of being “in my 40’s.” It has been a tumultuous decade with many opportunities for growth. I admit I’m a little afraid that today is the last day of my “youth.” I wonder if 50 will feel as old as it sounds; I’ve passed “middle age” – few live to 100, and I’m not sure I would want to anyway. The likelihood of having fewer years ahead of me than behind is rather sobering, but it’s not the end. I have a lot of time and energy ahead of me, and I’m grateful for my health and my current prosperity. I’m far ahead of where I was a year ago, and I’m grateful to be less afraid of the future.
With the last day of this blog comes a responsibility to begin in earnest the mental process of analyzing what I’ve learned this year; I will examine the lessons that have become visible to me, and will consider those that perhaps haven’t been quite as obvious. I am certain that what I see today – and write about tomorrow – will be less insightful than what I’ll look back on ten years hence. I have no doubt that when I turn 60, I’ll have a different perspective again on what I view today.
I’m feeling a certain sense of disquiet – as if I haven’t grasped something I should have over this past year. What did I miss? Where is the total transformation I hoped for during my 49th birthday, when I felt as if greater exercise in gratitude would change everything?
I have a feeling I’ve only begun a larger lesson that will take more than a year to learn. As it is, I am finishing a very full and successful year, even if there is a lingering doubt. Such is life, I suppose.
I am grateful for life.