Monday, November 5, 2012

A Year of Gratitude: Day Three Hundred Sixty-five

Day 365 – The Last Day

Today is the last day of being 49 years old – the last day of being “in my 40’s.”  It has been a tumultuous decade with many opportunities for growth.  I admit I’m a little afraid that today is the last day of my “youth.”  I wonder if 50 will feel as old as it sounds; I’ve passed “middle age” – few live to 100, and I’m not sure I would want to anyway.  The likelihood of having fewer years ahead of me than behind is rather sobering, but it’s not the end.  I have a lot of time and energy ahead of me, and I’m grateful for my health and my current prosperity.  I’m far ahead of where I was a year ago, and I’m grateful to be less afraid of the future.

With the last day of this blog comes a responsibility to begin in earnest the mental process of analyzing what I’ve learned this year; I will examine the lessons that have become visible to me, and will consider those that perhaps haven’t been quite as obvious.  I am certain that what I see today – and write about tomorrow – will be less insightful than what I’ll look back on ten years hence.  I have no doubt that when I turn 60, I’ll have a different perspective again on what I view today.

I’m feeling a certain sense of disquiet – as if I haven’t grasped something I should have over this past year.  What did I miss?  Where is the total transformation I hoped for during my 49th birthday, when I felt as if greater exercise in gratitude would change everything?

I have a feeling I’ve only begun a larger lesson that will take more than a year to learn.  As it is, I am finishing a very full and successful year, even if there is a lingering doubt.  Such is life, I suppose.

I am grateful for life.

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