I have decided to return to this blog and begin paying
attention to the positives again. The
end of my most recent relationship has pushed all the familiar buttons, and I
am again facing the possibility of being single for the rest of my life. While this prospect is probably the most
horrifying thought I can imagine, it is also real, and I need to refocus my
view onto things that feel good, if only to mask the pain that comes with
loneliness.
Even though the year I spent more than two years ago writing
about gratitude didn't always make me feel better in the moment, it did provide
a brief time each day where I was contemplating something positive, and I still think it
was helpful. I am uncomfortable when I feel
angry, lonely, sad, and bitter; though I often feel these emotions, I believe
they are outside my “norm” (or, at least, are not included in what I want in my
conscious time). I do not believe I am
depressed – at least not in the clinical sense. At this point, I want to express these feelings somewhere so I can let
them out, expel them from my body and mind, never to return. …Well, that is what I hope for, but, in
truth, they do return.
What I do not want is platitudes (“Everything is darkest
before the light;” “Love comes when you’re not looking;” “Something better is
just around the corner”) because platitudes are selfish. They are annoying most of the time and said
by people who don’t know what else to say, are themselves uncomfortable with
the sadness they perceive, and/or they currently have someone to love who loves them
back and they don’t remember how loneliness feels. Well-intended people offer a platitude to
make themselves feel better. Platitudes
rarely, if ever, lessen the darkness for the one in pain.
I think the best way to support someone who is hurting
emotionally is to listen, and then only say, “I know what it is like to be in
that place, and you are not alone.” Do
not try to fix anything. Do not try to
cheer him up. Whatever you do, do not
try to point out how others have it worse or how the present isn't as bad as it
might be. Just be with him.
In this light, I want to acknowledge my best friend,
Stephanie. I know I can call on her when
I need an empathetic ear, and who can give me the right kind of gentle perspective
when I ask for it. She cares enough to send a quick message to
check in; she pays attention and helps me feel like I’m not completely
alone. I am grateful for her wisdom and
support.
That’s what I’m grateful for today.
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